


A Body Worth Guarding

by LilyK



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Gen, transcript
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:55:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29322792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyK/pseuds/LilyK
Summary: Starsky and Hutch are assigned to protect a visiting Russian ballerina.
Kudos: 1
Collections: Starsky & Hutch Original Series Transcripts





	A Body Worth Guarding


    A BODY WORTH GUARDING
    
    Season 3, Episode 14
    
    Original Airdate: January 25, 1978
    
    Story by: Sam Paley
    Teleplay by: Sam Paley and Rick Edelstein
    Created by: William Blinn
    Directed by: Rick Edelstein 
    
    Summary: Starsky and Hutch are assigned to protect a visiting Russian ballerina. 
    
    Cast: 

David Soul ... Det. Ken 'Hutch' Hutchinson

Paul Michael Glaser ... Det. Dave Starsky

Antonio Fargas ... Huggy Bear

Bernie Hamilton ... Capt. Harold Dobey

Monique van de Ven ... Anna Akhanatova

Michael Margotta ... Miller

John O'Leary ... Steinmetz

Signe Hasso ... Masha Barovnika

Dana Lee ... Bellhop

Glenn R. Wilder ... Thug (as Glenn Wilder)

Allan Miller ... Morty Kauffman

Song lyrics at end.
    
    
    **Exterior – Day – In the Torino**
    
    HUTCH: Did you ever wonder why?
    
    STARSKY: Why what?
    
    HUTCH: Life.
    
    STARSKY: It's too early in the morning for that, Hutch.
    
    HUTCH: No, I mean it, Starsk. There's got to be more to life than just breathing in and breathing out.
    
    STARSKY: There is.
    
    HUTCH: What?
    
    STARSKY: As a matter of fact, I have a midnight meet with the most beautiful thing since-
    
    HUTCH: You're a hedonist, you know that? 
    
    STARSKY: Hmm?
    
    HUTCH: A hedonist. 
    
    STARSKY: Just so long as I enjoy myself.
    
    
    Interior – Day – Squad Room
    
    HUTCH: There are other things than just gross pleasures.
    
    STARSKY: Well, when you find out what they are, don't tell me.
    
    HUTCH: Look at this. There's something missing.
    
    STARSKY: Like what?
    
    HUTCH: Well, if I knew that, it wouldn't be missing, would it?
    
    STARSKY: You're very weird, you know that?
    
    HUTCH: I knew I could count on you to understand.
    
    DOBEY: Hutchinson.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, good morning, Captain.
    
    STARSKY: Morning!
    
    DOBEY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you read that memo on your desk? 
    
    HUTCH: "Captain Dobey wants to see you and Starsky as soon as-"
    
    STARSKY: Possible. At your pleasure, mon Capitaine.
    
    DOBEY: If it was my pleasure I wouldn't be here waiting on you two clowns. Here's your new assignment. Her name is Anna Akhanatova. 
    
    HUTCH: Her name is Anna Akhanatova, and she is the prima ballerina of the Kirov Ballet.
    
    DOBEY: That's right.
    
    STARSKY: No kidding.
    
    DOBEY: The Russian ballet is in town and you two are gonna cover her like a baby's security blanket.
    
    STARSKY: You're talking nursemaid?
    
    DOBEY: That's right.
    
    STARSKY: I hate to remind you, Captain, but we're detectives assigned to homicide, not babysitting.
    
    DOBEY: You're right on all counts, Starsky.
    
    STARSKY: Thank you.
    
    DOBEY: You're the detective. I'm the captain. And this is homicide. For a change, you two are assigned to prevent a homicide. There have been specific threats against her life.
    
    STARSKY: From who?
    
    DOBEY: If we knew that, we'd arrest them, wouldn't we? Now, you can find her at the ballet. Which is at the theater.
    
    HUTCH: Oh. Your wish is my command, Captain.
    
    DOBEY: You'd better believe that.
    
    
    **Interior - Night - Theatre**
    
    STARSKY: She's pretty good.
    
    HUTCH: Shh! She is incredible.
    
    STARSKY: Man, look at her jump.
    
    HUTCH: That is a grand jeté, turkey. Look at that. Look at that elevation.
    
    STARSKY: Man, she's got more moves than Muhammad Ali.
    
    HUTCH: Brava! Brava! Brava! Brava!
    
    STARSKY: Brava.
    
    HUTCH: Brava.
    
    
    **Interior – Night – Anna’s Dressing Room**
    
    AKHANATOVA: So... the Americans love me, no?
    
    BAROVNIKA: They clapped their hands, yes.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Even the great Masha Barovnika did not mind applause in her days.
    
    BAROVNIKA: Only when it was deserved. Your tour jetés were not good. Your fouetté turns lacked sharpness. More snap on the leg. Out, and two, and three.
    
    Please, Masha, don't talk to me like some schoolchild. I'm a prima ballerina. Even the American papers call me a star.
    
    BAROVNIKA: Stars are made by nature in the sky. Ballerinas are made by hard practice on this earth.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Yes, come in.
    
    STARSKY: Miss Ankakatova?
    
    AKHANATOVA: Why is it that Americans have such a difficult time with Soviet names?
    
    STARSKY: I'll bite. Why?
    
    HUTCH: Well, perhaps it's because it's not his native language, Miss Akhanatova.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Very good. You pronounced my name correctly. Are your people from the Soviet?
    
    STARSKY: No, ma'am. We're from the police. My name's Starsky, and this is Hutch.
    
    AKHANATOVA: America must be a strange country. An artist arrives to entertain, and you want to kill her.
    
    HUTCH: We're here to protect you.
    
    AKHANATOVA: In my country, a ballet dancer needs no protection.
    
    HUTCH: As long as she agrees with policies of the State.
    
    AKHANATOVA: I'm a guest in your country, and I'm not interested in your opinion, Mr. Hootch!
    
    HUTCH: Hutch!
    
    BAROVNIKA: I am Masha Natasha Barovnika, coach and representative of the Kirov, uh, Ballet. If you do not wish to have the assignment to care for Anna Akhanatova, I shall call your superiors.
    
    STARSKY: No, ma'am. It's okay. 
    
    BAROVNIKA: Then you will please refrain from further political discussions.
    
    HUTCH: I think that's, uh... An agreement we both should stick to, huh?
    
    STARSKY: Now, I think that we're all in agreement. Uh, now, Miss... Don't tell me. Uh… Akhana... 
    
    BAROVNIKA: Tova.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah. If we may escort your lovely self back to the hotel?
    
    
    **Exterior – Night - Theatre**
    
    PROTESTORS: (chanting continually) Free the Russian Jews! Freedom for the Jews!
    
    AKHANATOVA: Welcome to America.
    
    HUTCH: At least we're allowed to do this here.
    
    STARSKY: Will you two knock it off.
    
    HUTCH: Get back. Get back. Get back! 
    
    PROTESTOR: Hey! Hey! 
    
    HUTCH: Get back! 
    
    PROTESTOR: Hey!
    
    PROTESTOR: Why don't you just go back to Russia?
    
    PROTESTOR: Oh, yeah, you?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah?
    
    
    **Exterior – Night – In the Torino**
    
    STARSKY: Are you all right?
    
    AKHANATOVA: Those people were frightening. They meant to hurt me.
    
    HUTCH: Nobody's going to hurt you.
    
    AKHANATOVA: How can you be so sure?
    
    HUTCH: This is our job.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Is that what Americans call me? A job? 
    
    
    **Interior – Night – Century Plaza Hotel**
    
    STARSKY: I hear the... The ice cream in Russia is really great.
    
    AKHANATOVA: It's very good, but we do not have so many flavours. Mostly vanilla.
    
    STARSKY: Oh. I love vanilla. Police work.
    
    HUTCH: Starsky? Do you want to check the bedroom?
    
    STARSKY: Oh, yeah.
    
    HUTCH: Wait.
    
    AKHANATOVA: I'd like to use my own-
    
    HUTCH: Wait.
    
    STARSKY: It's okay.
    
    AKHANATOVA: You're very kind.
    
    STARSKY: We try. Hey, man. What's going on? I thought you wanted this assignment.
    
    HUTCH: So did I.
    
    STARSKY: Well, she's more beautiful than her poster.
    
    HUTCH: You know, that is exactly what I was talking about. You know, there is more to life, to people, than just a beautiful outside.
    
    STARSKY: Well, would you rather she was ugly?
    
    HUTCH: Look, Starsky, this was going to be the assignment of my life. And I don't like being talked down to.
    
    STARSKY: No.
    
    HUTCH: And I don't want to do any flag-waving, but every time she says "America", it sounds like something that makes her nauseous.
    
    STARSKY: Oh, okay. 
    
    HUTCH: Do you understand what I'm talking about?
    
    STARSKY: Yeah, I understand.
    
    HUTCH: Do you understand?
    
    STARSKY: Yes. Yes. Let it pass. Let it pass. We have a job to do. We've seen the pickets out there. We know it's not gonna be easy.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah, yeah, there was a lot of professional muscle out there.
    
    STARSKY: Well, one of us is going to have to stay here. Now, which one is it going to be?
    
    HUTCH: Well, it might as well be me. She'll be asleep. At least I won't have to listen to her talk.
    
    STARSKY: Ah.
    
    
    **Interior – Night – Steinmetz’ House**
    
    MILLER: The sight is off. Adjust it.
    
    STEINMETZ: Do not give me orders.
    
    MILLER: Please.
    
    STEINMETZ: Better.
    
    
    **Interior – Night – Century Plaza Hotel**
    
    AKHANATOVA: I cannot sleep with an enemy in the house.
    
    HUTCH: I'm not your enemy, lady.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Then why do you act so?
    
    HUTCH: Me?
    
    AKHANATOVA: Yes, you! You're rude. You're hateful. The door is open for me, and you go through first. I get pushed into cars. You take keys out of my hand-
    
    HUTCH: Wait a minute! Peace-
    
    AKHANATOVA: You talk to me as if-
    
    HUTCH: Whoa, listen to me, comrade! There's somebody out there that wants to hurt you. I go through doors first, yeah, because if some nut wants to get to you, they're gonna have to go through me first. And that ain't going to be easy
    because I'm good at my job.
    
    AKHANATOVA: You... You mean, you would get hurt to protect me?
    
    HUTCH: Well, that's not my plan, but if that's what goes down, yeah.
    
    
    **Interior – Night – Steinmetz’s House**
    
    STEINMETZ: Good.
    
    MILLER: Good? It's perfect.
    
    STEINMETZ: Shooting a dummy is not perfect.
    
    MILLER: When do I get her?
    
    STEINMETZ: Mmm... Tomorrow. Depending.
    
    MILLER: On what? I'm ready right now!
    
    STEINMETZ: You Americans! Everything is instant. If you get her before the papers print the letter, what good will it do, hmm?
    
    MILLER: I've got a better idea.
    
    STEINMETZ: Please, Miller, you can't improve on perfection.
    
    MILLER: Why don't I pick off the Russian premier? He'll be there.
    
    STEINMETZ: Brilliant. The one person who will be totally protected!
    
    MILLER: A premier is a lot hotter than a ballet dancer.
    
    STEINMETZ: Yeah. And the chance of your capture is much hotter also, nicht wahr?
    
    MILLER: No one is going to capture me.
    
    STEINMETZ: The Jews must be blamed. We cannot take the chance of your being identified as a member of the Fascist Party of America.
    
    MILLER: I can do it. I'm telling you, I can do it!
    
    STEINMETZ: Do not be stupid, Miller!
     
    MILLER: I don't like to be called stu-
    
    STEINMETZ: We will do as I say. Ja?
    
    
    **Interior – Night – Century Plaza Hotel**
    
    AKHANATOVA: There's a saying in my country: "Share a cup of tea with somebody who is unfriendly, and your loneliness is ended."
    
    HUTCH: Look, let me just explain-
    
    AKHANATOVA: I would like to find a way to-
    
    HUTCH: You... You go first.
    
    AKHANATOVA: I would like to find a way to be friends.
    
    HUTCH: Me, too.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Perhaps we require the United Nations.
    
    HUTCH: Well, I think we can do better than that.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Me, too. How do we start?
    
    HUTCH: Tell me a secret.
    
    AKHANATOVA: A secret? Why?
    
    HUTCH: Because only friends share secrets.
    
    AKHANATOVA: All right. Okay. I'll tell you a secret.
    
    HUTCH: Hmm?
    
    AKHANATOVA: I love to talk about myself.
     
    HUTCH: No! I never would have guessed.
    
    
    **Interior – Night – The Pits**
    
    HUGGY: If you're waiting on me, I'll be in the back booth.
    
    STARSKY: There are worse things than being seen with me.
    
    HUGGY: And better, so let's leave well enough alone. You look weird.
    
    STARSKY: What do you mean?
    
    HUGGY: A little lopsided. I know! A Starsky without a Hutch is like a pig without the poke.  How is the police department's number-one beach boy?
    
    STARSKY: Guarding a dancer's body and liking it less than spit.
    
    HUGGY: You're crude, do you know that?
    
    STARSKY: So I've been told. Now, down to business. 
    
    HUGGY: I thought you were my friend.
    
    STARSKY: I need some help, friend.
    
    HUGGY: Such as?
    
    STARSKY: Anybody on the street passing out money for muscle on a picket line?
    
    HUGGY: You've got better ears than I thought, Grandma. Two thugs hired for a demo tonight at the...
    
    STARSKY: Russian ballet.
    
    HUGGY: You know, you keep this up, you're gonna put Huggy out of business!
    
    STARSKY: I gotta know who's doing the hiring.
    
    HUGGY: Well, who's doing the picketing?
    
    STARSKY: Don't play detective.
    
    HUGGY: Perish the thought.
    
    STARSKY: JOA.
    
    HUGGY: Who?
    
    STARSKY: Jewish Organisation for Action.
    
    HUGGY: I suggest you check out the desert people.
    
    STARSKY: You're a lot of help.
    
    HUGGY: Only because you caught me on a good day. Don't call me on a bad one.
    
    STARSKY: Perish the thought.
    
    
    **Interior – Night – Century Plaza Hotel**
    
    AKHANATOVA: And Masha said, "If you move like that, you may as well walk on your hands." So you know what I did?
    
    HUTCH: Yes.
    
    AKHANATOVA: I immediately got- What did you say?
    
    HUTCH: I said I know what you did.
    
    AKHANATOVA: You do not. How could you?
    
    HUTCH: I do.
    
    AKHANATOVA: All right. What did I do?
    
    HUTCH: This. Aah!
    
    AKHANATOVA: All right, that's very good. But I can do it much better.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, come on.
    
    AKHANATOVA: You know, we both have almost the same color hair.
    
    HUTCH: Fascinating.
    
    AKHANATOVA: If we ever had a child, he would look like a snow bank.
    
    HUTCH: Or she would look like the sunrise.
    
    AKHANATOVA: You're very poetic for an American.
    
    HUTCH: Well, Russians didn't invent poetry.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Are you sure?
    
    HUTCH: But you may have invented beauty.
    
    AKHANATOVA: I'm very strong.
    
    HUTCH: That's not exactly what I had in mind.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Are you strong?
    
    HUTCH: You've got to be putting me on.
    
    AKHANATOVA: What means "putting me on"?
    
    HUTCH: You don't want to arm-wrestle?
    
    AKHANATOVA: I will win.
    
    HUTCH: It's 2.00 in the morning, I'm with a beautiful woman and she wants to arm-wrestle!
    
    AKHANATOVA: Are you afraid?
    
    HUTCH: All right, comrade, let's have at it. Go.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Century Plaza Hotel**
    
    HUTCH: Reach!
    
    BELLHOP: Aah! Don't shoot! You can have all the newspapers.
    
    HUTCH: Uh… It's not real. Just kidding. It's licorice.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Big protector, you scared the bellman.
    
    HUTCH: Don't you laugh at me, Anna.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Call me Tadzhik.
    
    HUTCH: What's that mean?
    
    AKHANATOVA: A male name for someone who cares.
    
    HUTCH: Tadzhik.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Again.
    
    HUTCH: Tadzhik.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Again.
    
    HUTCH: Tadzhik.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Again.
    
    HUTCH: Tadzhik.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Again.
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Steinmetz’s House**
    
    STEINMETZ: Ja! Coming! Coming!
    
    MILLER: It's in this morning's paper. They're gonna blame it on the Jews. I can do it today, right? Right? Today, right?
    
    STEINMETZ: Today, Miller. Ja.
    
    
    **Interior - Day - Century Plaza Hotel**
    
    HUTCH: Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, let me up. Let me up. Yeah, uh-uh. What is it? What is it?
    
    STARSKY: It's your better half.
    
    HUTCH: Ah, yeah, hold it.
    
    STARSKY: Hey, are you all right? 
    
    HUTCH: Yeah. Yeah. I'm, uh… I'm, uh... I'm... Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. Fine. Will you stop it? Go on, go on, go on, go on. o on, go on.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Not until you kiss me.
    
    HUTCH: Okay. Ah... Be right there, uh, Starsk. Just, uh, hold on.
    
    STARSKY: Take your time.
    
    HUTCH: Uh, yeah, yeah.
    
    STARSKY: Are you okay?
    
    HUTCH: Okay. You?
    
    STARSKY: Okay. Everything, uh, go all right last night?
    
    HUTCH: Oh, fine, fine, yeah. Just fine. 
    
    STARSKY: No, uh… No trouble, huh?
    
    HUTCH: Nothing I couldn't handle.
    
    STARSKY: Is she up?
    
    HUTCH: Huh? Oh, yeah, I think so. I heard the shower. Oops. There it is. Must be psychic.
    
    STARSKY: Since when? I spoke to Huggy this morning.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, yeah.
    
    STARSKY: He, ah- It's like we figured. Muscle hired out for the demonstration.
    
    HUTCH: By whom?
    
    STARSKY: Don't know.
    
    HUTCH: Thanks. Well, uh...
    
    STARSKY: So, you're feeling okay this morning, huh?
    
    HUTCH: Yeah, fine. You?
    
    STARSKY: Fine.
    
    HUTCH: Good.
    
    STARSKY: Look, why don't you split, hmm? Get some sleep. Check back with me. I'll take care of Anna what's-her-name, wherever she's gonna be.
    
    HUTCH: No.
    
    STARSKY: In the meantime... What?
    
    HUTCH: Uh, I'll handle Anna Akhanatova.
    
    STARSKY: What do you mean?
    
    HUTCH: I'll cover her. 
    
    STARSKY: Your shift's over.
    
    HUTCH: The shower's stopped. She must be finished, huh?
    
    STARSKY: You're acting very strange lately.
    
    HUTCH: Telephone. Must be for Anna.
    
    STARSKY: Good. 
    
    AKHANATOVA: Anna Akhanatova. Darling... Oh, Mr. Starevsky, I didn't know you were here. Your captain wants to talk to someone.
    
    STARSKY: Starevsky? Darling?
    
    HUTCH: Telephone. (on phone) Good morning, Captain, how are you this fine day?
    
    DOBEY: Have you read this morning's paper?
    
    HUTCH: Well, I've been so busy guarding our Russian guest. I haven't taken my eyes off her.
    
    DOBEY: Would you mind turning to page four, please? (pause) 
    
    HUTCH: (to Starsky) Page four in the newspaper. (on phone) Um, hold on, Captain. (pause)
    
    STARSKY: "This newspaper received the following note this morning. 'Unless Soviet Jews are freed,Ann a Akhanatova will not return to Russia alive.’"
    
    HUTCH: (on phone) Yeah, I see it, Captain.
    
    DOBEY: All right. I want one of you to stick as close to Anna Akhanatova as white on rice.
    
    HUTCH: That'll be me.
    
    DOBEY: Then have Starsky run it down. (pause)
    
    HUTCH: (to Starsky) Captain wants you on the street checking out the source of that story.
    
    DOBEY: (on phone) And Hutchinson.
    
    HUTCH: Yeah.
    
    DOBEY: We can't afford to let her get hurt. She's very important to the State Department.
    
    HUTCH: To me, too, Captain. (end)
    
    AKHANATOVA: Good morning, gentlemen. Ready for a light breakfast and then to rehearsal?
    
    STARSKY: Good morning. How about a change in plans?
    
    AKHANATOVA: I always eat a light breakfast.
    
    STARSKY: I mean… Look... somebody's out there and serious. Anybody, including that nut who wants to hurt you, they got to know that you're on your way to the theater to rehearse today.
    
    AKHANATOVA: So is Masha Barovnika and the entire group. If you are suggesting that-
    
    Anna, Anna, hear me.
    
    AKHANATOVA: But I do.
    
    HUTCH: There is some lunatic out there who wants to kill you.
    
    AKHANATOVA: You will not permit it, Hootch.
    
    HUTCH: Not a chance. But you have to cooperate, please.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Your eyes are the colour of the Belaya River. How can I say no?
    
    STARSKY: Belaya River eyes, huh? Take care of her. Hootch. Ah… Madame Barov... nika.
    
    BAROVNIKA: Vnika. Yes. And you are the policeman.
    
    STARSKY: Yes.
    
    BAROVNIKA: Yes. But what are you doing? Oh, uh... I have to take Anna to rehearsal later.
    
    STARSKY: She said that she'd meet you there.
    
    BAROVNIKA: But I don't-
    
    STARSKY: Yeah. Why don't I take you for a cup of tea? And you can tell me all about your life.
    
    BAROVNIKA: I've had my tea...
    
    STARSKY: And then I'll drop you off at…
    
    BAROVNIKA: ...and the rehearsal is very important...
    
    
    **Exterior – Day - JOA**
    
    STARSKY: Give me room, gentlemen, or you'll eat it.
    
    MILLER: You got a warrant, officer?
    
    STARSKY: Do I need one?
    
    MILLER: Yeah, unless you want to try and make me eat it.
    
    STARSKY: You shouldn't flash that piece.
    
    KAUFFMAN: He's got a permit. Who's this man?
    
    MILLER: Just a cop without a warrant. 
    
    STARSKY: You Kauffman? I want to talk to you.
    
    KAUFFMAN: I don't have time. Stay on the door. You, I want to talk to.
    
    STARSKY: See you around. Count on it.
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Venice Place**
    
    AKHANATOVA: Very beautiful. What is it?
    
    HUTCH: Oh, it's just a song.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Can you sing it?
    
    HUTCH: Well... (sings) I Wish I Was. 
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Police Precinct**
    
    DOBEY: Kauffman's in interrogation. All right, well, just hang on.  Starsky's on the way.
    
    STARSKY: I'll take it from here. Thanks. We didn't have time for an introduction when we first met. Name's Starsky.
    
    KAUFFMAN: You have no right to detain me.
    
    STARSKY: Just a few questions. Where were you last night?
    
    KAUFFMAN: Don't play games with me, Starsky. I know what you're looking for. We wouldn't be stupid enough to write a threatening letter to the newspaper.
     
    STARSKY: Why not? Your position on Russia is well known. 
    
    KAUFFMAN: Russia is oppressing Jews. We are against that in any and every possible way.
    
    STARSKY: Including violence?
    
    KAUFFMAN: Our tactics don't include hurting ladies who dance, Starsky. That's for fools and fascists.
    
    STARSKY: What do you mean, fascists?
    
    KAUFFMAN: What happens if someone kills Anna Akhanatova? The Jews are blamed. The Americans are blamed. Anti-Semitism is on the rise again. And who gains from that? Only some dangerous madmen who call themselves the Fascist Party of America. You want to catch a criminal? Get the fascists. You have no charges against me. I have committed no crime.
    
    STARSKY: Just be sure you don't.
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Venice Place**
    
    BAROVNIKA: You and your plans! No one is home.
    
    STARSKY: He's home. Hey, open up. It's the law. Come on, blondie, I know you're in there.
    
    HUTCH: Oh, oh, coming, coming, coming, coming.
    
    BAROVNIKA: Well, are you poor of hearing? Did you not realize the doorbell?
    
    AKHANATOVA: Masha, what are you doing here?
    
    HUTCH: What's happening?
    
    STARSKY: Closest I could come is that probably some fascist out there has to make his move tonight.
    
    BAROVNIKA: I'm having great trouble comprehending this person.
    
    STARSKY: It's public knowledge that tonight is your last show, and then you're gonna have to leave town. I mean, half the city knows where you're going to be between 8 and 11.
    
    AKHANATOVA: What are you going to do?
    
    STARSKY: How about not showing up at the theatre at all?
    
    AKHANATOVA: I must dance tonight.
    
    BAROVNIKA: I told this strange person that you'd be saying that. The next plan is for Masha Barovnika to be a duck.
    
    HUTCH: A what?
    
    STARSKY: A decoy. It's like a duck.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Putting Masha in my clothes?
    
    STARSKY: Just in and out of the theatre.
    
    AKHANATOVA: No. So, my brave bodyguard, there's work to do, because Anna Akhanatova is going to the theater and dance.
    
    
    Exterior – Day – Theater
    
    PROTESTORS: (chanting continually) Free the Russian Jews! 
    
    KAUFFMAN: Save the Jews! Save the Jews! Save the Jews! 
    
    PROTESTORS: (chanting continually) Save the Jews! 
    
    STARSKY: Kauffman, I wanna talk to you. Get in the car.
    
    KAUFMANN: Listen, I told you before-
    
    STARSKY: Come on, get in the car.  I wanna talk to you.
    
    KAUFFMAN: Don't touch.
    
    STARSKY: Get out of the way.
    
    KAUFFMAN: All right. Don't touch.
    
    STARSKY: Get in the car.
    
    KAUFFMAN: All right, all right! 
    
    STARSKY: It's all right.
    
    KAUFFMAN: You have no right to detain me. We have permits to demonstrate.
    
    STARSKY: Just cool it. No one's gonna blow your demonstration. We just want to catch a crazy killer. Okay?
    
    KAUFFMAN: Only if it doesn't conflict with our interests.
    
    STARSKY: Well, how would you like to nail a fascist? Does that appeal to you?
    
    KAUFFMAN: You have my total attention.
    
    STARSKY: I mean catch him, not kill him.
    
    KAUFFMAN: What can we do?
    
    STARSKY: The only way that they can get close to her is to start a riot using your pickets. Now, they're going to infiltrate with some goons, start a diversion. When they do, when Anna what's-her-name comes out that door, someone's going to make a move.
    
    KAUFFMAN: No one will infiltrate my group.
    
    STARSKY: Wrong.
    
    
    **Interior – Night - Theater**
    
    HUTCH: What do you think?
    
    STARSKY: I think she's beautiful. And you're a lucky man.
    
    HUTCH: No, I mean about out there. You think it'll work?
    
    STARSKY: We don't have much choice. Do we?
    
    
    **Interior – Night – Anna’s Dressing Room**
    
    BAROVNIKA: Those, how do you say, pickets, they must be going home sometime. Why should we not stay here all night till it is day?
    
    AKHANATOVA: Because I can't live like an animal in a cage, Masha. They must catch that man, and I must be free. Shall we go out there, Hootch?
    
    BAROVNIKA: Tadzhik, tonight you danced like a... Like a butterfly riding the wind. You were the spirit of light, my Tadzhik.
    
    AKHANATOVA: These were all your teachings, Masha.
    
    
    **Exterior – Night - Theater**
    
    PROTESTORS: (chanting continually) Free the Russian Jews! 
    
    KAUFFMAN: Get them! Get them!
    
    STARSKY: Hutch!
    
    KAUFFMAN: Get them! Fascist pig!
    
    MILLER: I could've done it!
    
    STARSKY: Batson! 
    
    MILLER: Steinmetz knows I could've done it.
    
    STARSKY: Batson, get this nut out of here! Check out Steinmetz. Thanks, Kauffman. I owe you a favor.
    
    KAUFFMAN: Some day, I may need to collect.
    
    STARSKY: Get these nuts out of here, huh?
    
    KAUFFMAN: All right, please, everyone. Go home now, everyone. Please, go home.
    
    Shalom. Go home now. Shalom. Shalom.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Is it over?
    
    HUTCH: It's over. Are you okay, Tadzhik?
    
    AKHANATOVA: Is it all right to love you, Hootch?
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Century Plaza Hotel**
    
    AKHANATOVA: Can you help me, Hootch?
    
    HUTCH: Sure. Uh, you'd better sit on it. Watch it!
    
    AKHANATOVA: I will miss you, Hootch.
    
    HUTCH: Me, too.
    
    AKHANATOVA: You should come to Leningrad.
    
    HUTCH: I will, some day.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Do you love me a little bit?
    
    HUTCH: I love you a lot of bit.
    
    BAROVNIKA: It is time. The limousine is waiting to bring us to the airport.
    
    STARSKY: Ah, let me help you with that, ma'am.
    
    AKHANATOVA: I can carry it.
    
    STARSKY: No, that's all right. 
    
    HUTCH: Starsk, she's very strong.
    
    STARSKY: Yeah, sure.
    
    AKHANATOVA: You don't believe me.
    
    BAROVNIKA: Now is not the time, Anna, Tadzhik.
    
    AKHANATOVA: I have to prove something to this American. Come.
    
    STARSKY: You're putting me on.
    
    AKHANATOVA: I know that word and I'm not. Come on, Starevsky.
    
    STARSKY: Oh, well, that does it. It's Starsky. Hmm?
    
    AKHANATOVA: Mmmm. Come on.
    
    HUTCH: That's not going to help.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Okay, are you ready?
    
    STARSKY: Any time you are.
    
    AKHANATOVA: Okay. 
    
    END
    
    Song: I Wish I Was 
    written and sung by David Soul
    
    
    I wish, I was the sunlight  
    
    Gently reaching out in space  
    
    And I wish you were the chilly morn'  
    
    So I could warm your face  
    
      
    
    And I wish, I was a spider  
    
    'Cause I've got a web to weave  
    
    And I wish you were a captured fly  
    
    So that you'd never leave  
    
      
    
    But I'm just a man  
    
    And you are just a girl  
    
    Though we walk hand in hand  
    
    With too much of this world  
    
      
    
    Oh and I wish, I was a scarecrow  
    
    'Cause I've got a scare or two  
    
    And I wish you were a stock of corn  
    
    With me protecting you  
    
      
    
    And I wish, I was a pillow  
    
    'Cause I've got some softness too  
    
    And I wish you were a weary head  
    
    Alone just me and you. 


End file.
